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vozveratu
Advanced Member
Username: vozveratu
Post Number: 805
Registered: 01-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, August 10, 2006 - 09:01 am: | 
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Anyone know any good restaurant jokes? |
tipqueen
Intermediate Member
Username: tipqueen
Post Number: 277
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, August 10, 2006 - 09:50 am: |
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I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
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This is an old one.....
Efficiency Expert
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my wee-nis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your wee-nis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon." |
tipqueen
Intermediate Member
Username: tipqueen
Post Number: 278
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, August 10, 2006 - 09:53 am: |
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Alcohol Warnings
He board of health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding a pint or two.
Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a crap truck at 100 yards.
Warning: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your pecker at the office Christmas party.
Warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).
Warning: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
Warning: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than someone really, really big named Psycho. |
tipqueen
Intermediate Member
Username: tipqueen
Post Number: 279
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, August 10, 2006 - 09:56 am: |
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These are for you bartenders... Rev and Jammie!!
Bar Room Translations
“You get this one, next round is on me.”
We won’t be here long enough to get another round.
“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”
Happy hour is about to end... drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.
“Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
(Female) “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel please?”
I’m easy.
(Male) “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel please?”
I’m gay.
(Male to Female) “Ever try a body shot?”
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
(Female to Male) “Ever try a body shot?”
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?
(Female) “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.”
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
(Male) “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.”
I’m horny.
“Who’s got the next round?”
I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
(Male to Male) “Excuse me.”
Get the hell out of the way.
(Male to Female) “Excuse me.”
I am going to grope you now.
(Female to Male) “Excuse me.”
Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.
(Female to Female) “Excuse me.”
Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a whore... get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.
“What do you have on tap?”
What’s cheap?
(Male) “Can I have a white russian?”
I’m really gay.
(Female) “Can I have a white russian?”
I’m really easy.
“That person looks really familiar.”
Did I sleep with him/her?
(Female) “Can I just get a glass of water?”
I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.
(Female) “I don’t have my ID on me.”
I’m 19.
(Male) “I don’t have my ID on me.”
I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here |
rev_rund
Member
Username: rev_rund
Post Number: 189
Registered: 06-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Thursday, August 10, 2006 - 10:29 am: |
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thanks tq, this one hits very close to home. I loved the list.
“What do you have on tap?”
What’s cheap?
Alright it's cheesy but it's my favorite bar joke.
A guy is sitting at the bar when a Panda ambles in. Panda sits down next to him orders food and a shot. As soon as the meal get to him the Panda gulps it down, drinks his shot and ambles out. The guy sitting at the bar asks the bartender "What was that all about?" Bartener says; "He's a Panda, look it up." Bartender throws the guy a dictionary. Guy reads the definition of a Panda
Panda: Large Bear-like Mammal.
Eats shoots and leaves |
goldenfoxx
Member
Username: goldenfoxx
Post Number: 153
Registered: 10-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, August 11, 2006 - 12:59 am: |
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Here is one I just heard the other day ... not really a restaurant joke but I liked it...
Have you seen the new Jewish sports cars...it stops on a dime, and picks it up.
<giggle> |
diner_1923
Member
Username: diner_1923
Post Number: 127
Registered: 06-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, August 11, 2006 - 08:39 am: |
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
YOU ARE HILARIOUS YOU *#*@($&*#@ ANTI SEMITE |
tipqueen
Intermediate Member
Username: tipqueen
Post Number: 283
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, August 11, 2006 - 08:51 am: |
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Diner,
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seeing as many threads which could be good discussions are degenerating into flame wars, i think we might want to try an experiment.
i think that we should try to keep all flaming in this thread- even if something pisses you off on another, if you are going to flame simply post in this thread so that you dont disrupt the discussion
NOW GO TO YOUR CORNER!!! ITS CALLED "FAMING THREAD"... you should know you started it!!!!
YOU ARE SUCH A HYPOCRIT SAYING YOU ARE TRYING TO BE NICE ON HERE!!! MY ASS YOU ARE!!!! |
diner_1923
Member
Username: diner_1923
Post Number: 130
Registered: 06-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, August 11, 2006 - 09:18 am: |
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nobody else endorsed that idea so it went away.
flaming continues everywhere. |
goldenfoxx
Member
Username: goldenfoxx
Post Number: 154
Registered: 10-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, August 11, 2006 - 04:53 pm: |
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>>>YOU ARE HILARIOUS YOU *#*@($&*#@ ANTI SEMITE
Thats funny...I was told the joke by someone of jewish descent...do you think he is anti-semite too??? |
tipqueen
Intermediate Member
Username: tipqueen
Post Number: 285
Registered: 03-2006
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, August 11, 2006 - 07:52 pm: |
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"flaming continues everywhere."
and YOU are usually the one holding the TORCH!
take a chill pill and learn how to LIGHTEN up a little!!!! ( tell me andr city and I 'll get a reference for a good doc for ya... you need a strong dose of some kind of DOWNER!!) |
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